It's hardest when...

It's really one of the hardest things to see someone you grew up with wither away.

My aunt has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She weighs less than 90 lbs. She's about three feet tall now. She looks like those starving children on TV. It's so hard seeing your grandmother, then mother start to tear up as your aunt opens up probably her last christmas present. It's just bullshit what people have to go through. I may not agree with everything that my aunt has done or her family has done, but I do love them. Telling her I love you to her face for probably one of the last times is just one of the worst feelings in the world. Seeing her face as she tries to watch her kids have a good christmas and just thinking about how she won't see this anymore. She won't see them anymore.
It's hard enough having my mother's other sister be gone already. I try not to think about it but sometimes its just good to remember. I do miss my other aunt. I feel like we would have gotten along a lot better now being as I'm an adult now. I have a dry sense of humor and innate bitchiness like her. It's so trying on a person when your family is just being cut a part. It's also terrifying when the ones being torn out of your life are your mother's sisters and soon it'll only be your mother left of the original 3 girls. It scares me because I might lose her and I could never handle that. I don't think my dad would be able to either.
I know this is a horrible thing to think about on Christmas but it just really opens your eyes to how short life and all its precious things can be taken away. I'm so sick of taking things for granted or having people around me do that. People just don't get how easily it can all be gone.
I know I can act like a total reject sometimes. I say things that don't make sense and I get passionate or upset easily. I just don't ever want to leave this world with things unsaid. I tell people when I love them. I tell people when I miss them. I show people how I feel and I make it blatantly clear. I'm really thankful that my aunt got one more christmas with her kids and family. I do love her and I will miss her. I miss my other aunt every day. I love her and her absence is felt every day too. I wish I could change things or at least have not taken the moments I had with these people for granted. I just know every time I leave someone I care about they're going to know that I love them.

The hard part is getting it out of your head...

I hate the feeling of needing someone.
Well...I don't feel like I need someone, especially anyone in particular seeing as anyone I know is a letdown.

I just hate that working so hard and keeping myself so slut-lessy just means your turn into a bitter maid.
I know I'm really young, and I have two whole years left of college...but damn. Do I have to do this forever?

I have so many issues myself I really shouldn't be with anyone else...
Say like...hmm...6 months in I get restless? I mean is it me or is it that the relationship just isn't right?
I hate all this guess work. It's bullshit.
Not to mention the innate feeling that a guy is always going to leave me for something better.
I just think I'm not meant to find someone, that it's just always going to be a revolving door.

I'm just so mad at myself, the situation, and men in general.
I just wish for once that I can find who I'm supposed to be with
and be done with this dating crap.

I have so much going on in my life...why am I worried about this?
I'm so messed up when it comes to priorities...
School I'm doing well with but I have SO much left to do in these 5 semesters I have left.
I hope it goes by quick, the next two years, and I can get a good job and just support myself.

I'll finish school, get a job, get an apartment somewhere, and then a dog.
Then I'll work on this love bull again...or I'll be a dried up biddie.

Ugh. Nothing makes sense anymore. I'm so much more eloquent and motivated when I'm in like.
Fuck.

How Can I move on when I didn't even know where I was?

It really sucks when a what-if ruins your could-bes.

Relationships are difficult, if they are official or not.
The thought of what could be is something that really stunts girls.
Sometimes it feels like we set up these dreams and future lives and are just looking for
the man that fits in the tiny puzzle piece that makes the whole thing work.

I'm really stressing myself out with this dilemma. I want a man I can build a future with and he'll fight for
our relationship. I'm tired of this being passed on feeling. This lost feeling.

So, being alone again seeing as the guy I was talking to is unable to communicate, fight for, and commit to one person...I did the right thing and left it where it was. Ended it on a good note.

I hate being in this spot that I always seem to find myself in. I want to be with someone who's a man. Being a man means you commit to one person, you're mature about fights, you're level headed...

You don't just give up when things seem tough. I don't, and won't when it's something worthwhile.

I guess you might think well aren't you giving up on this last guy?
No, I'm not. I want things to work, but I've learned that if you push men to do things they don't want to do, it never ever works. Men have to think of these ideas on their own, and make the decision on what's most important on their own.

I guess I'm just lost at the moment. I'm just losing faith in something I really want to have faith in.
We'll see I suppose.

There's always tomorrow. <3