It's hardest when...

It's really one of the hardest things to see someone you grew up with wither away.

My aunt has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She weighs less than 90 lbs. She's about three feet tall now. She looks like those starving children on TV. It's so hard seeing your grandmother, then mother start to tear up as your aunt opens up probably her last christmas present. It's just bullshit what people have to go through. I may not agree with everything that my aunt has done or her family has done, but I do love them. Telling her I love you to her face for probably one of the last times is just one of the worst feelings in the world. Seeing her face as she tries to watch her kids have a good christmas and just thinking about how she won't see this anymore. She won't see them anymore.
It's hard enough having my mother's other sister be gone already. I try not to think about it but sometimes its just good to remember. I do miss my other aunt. I feel like we would have gotten along a lot better now being as I'm an adult now. I have a dry sense of humor and innate bitchiness like her. It's so trying on a person when your family is just being cut a part. It's also terrifying when the ones being torn out of your life are your mother's sisters and soon it'll only be your mother left of the original 3 girls. It scares me because I might lose her and I could never handle that. I don't think my dad would be able to either.
I know this is a horrible thing to think about on Christmas but it just really opens your eyes to how short life and all its precious things can be taken away. I'm so sick of taking things for granted or having people around me do that. People just don't get how easily it can all be gone.
I know I can act like a total reject sometimes. I say things that don't make sense and I get passionate or upset easily. I just don't ever want to leave this world with things unsaid. I tell people when I love them. I tell people when I miss them. I show people how I feel and I make it blatantly clear. I'm really thankful that my aunt got one more christmas with her kids and family. I do love her and I will miss her. I miss my other aunt every day. I love her and her absence is felt every day too. I wish I could change things or at least have not taken the moments I had with these people for granted. I just know every time I leave someone I care about they're going to know that I love them.