What do you do when you're looking for love?
What do you do when you're all alone?
What do you do when you don't know what to do?
Moi-même en quelques mots
- Kailee
- I'm 20. I'm a studio art major, arts management/art history minor at a college in upstate New York.
My baby, Maggie <3
Saturday, June 9
Sunday, January 1
Do you ever feel so...I'm not even sure of the emotion to label this feeling.
So out of control that you want to cry, scream, and punch someone or break something all at the same time?
That's how I feel right now.
I hate them I'm so involved with being in love and finding it and thinking about it.
I would like to just turn it off. I'm tired of thinking about the past and comparing my present to it.
My resolution, one of many, is to consciously stop worry about it. About all the hims. I really need to stop, its hurting me.
So out of control that you want to cry, scream, and punch someone or break something all at the same time?
That's how I feel right now.
I hate them I'm so involved with being in love and finding it and thinking about it.
I would like to just turn it off. I'm tired of thinking about the past and comparing my present to it.
My resolution, one of many, is to consciously stop worry about it. About all the hims. I really need to stop, its hurting me.
Wednesday, December 28
Dream man
The beauty in your face
the wrinkle in your cheeks when you smile
the stubble on your chin and the way it dimples
the way the wind sweeps over your flannel
and the twinkle of the mid winter sun flickering in your eyes
the caramel glint they have from that sun
your wide shoulders that carry the weight of the world
with a ceaseless smile that looks as if it were weightless
looking up into those eyes, at that smile and feeling the warmth of you
against the harsh winter weather
you, in my dreams, dream man
keep me safe and loved
you may not be a real person, at least not yet
in my life, I have the hope that one day
you'll be here to hold my hand
kiss my cheek
and tell me no one can compare
our souls are entwined
kindred spirits
dream man, I'm not waiting for you
you can find me when you've grown up
and manned up.
i'll be the pretty little brunette laughing
her ass off.
there's always tomorrow <3
the wrinkle in your cheeks when you smile
the stubble on your chin and the way it dimples
the way the wind sweeps over your flannel
and the twinkle of the mid winter sun flickering in your eyes
the caramel glint they have from that sun
your wide shoulders that carry the weight of the world
with a ceaseless smile that looks as if it were weightless
looking up into those eyes, at that smile and feeling the warmth of you
against the harsh winter weather
you, in my dreams, dream man
keep me safe and loved
you may not be a real person, at least not yet
in my life, I have the hope that one day
you'll be here to hold my hand
kiss my cheek
and tell me no one can compare
our souls are entwined
kindred spirits
dream man, I'm not waiting for you
you can find me when you've grown up
and manned up.
i'll be the pretty little brunette laughing
her ass off.
there's always tomorrow <3
Sunday, December 25
It's hardest when...
It's really one of the hardest things to see someone you grew up with wither away.
My aunt has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She weighs less than 90 lbs. She's about three feet tall now. She looks like those starving children on TV. It's so hard seeing your grandmother, then mother start to tear up as your aunt opens up probably her last christmas present. It's just bullshit what people have to go through. I may not agree with everything that my aunt has done or her family has done, but I do love them. Telling her I love you to her face for probably one of the last times is just one of the worst feelings in the world. Seeing her face as she tries to watch her kids have a good christmas and just thinking about how she won't see this anymore. She won't see them anymore.
It's hard enough having my mother's other sister be gone already. I try not to think about it but sometimes its just good to remember. I do miss my other aunt. I feel like we would have gotten along a lot better now being as I'm an adult now. I have a dry sense of humor and innate bitchiness like her. It's so trying on a person when your family is just being cut a part. It's also terrifying when the ones being torn out of your life are your mother's sisters and soon it'll only be your mother left of the original 3 girls. It scares me because I might lose her and I could never handle that. I don't think my dad would be able to either.
I know this is a horrible thing to think about on Christmas but it just really opens your eyes to how short life and all its precious things can be taken away. I'm so sick of taking things for granted or having people around me do that. People just don't get how easily it can all be gone.
I know I can act like a total reject sometimes. I say things that don't make sense and I get passionate or upset easily. I just don't ever want to leave this world with things unsaid. I tell people when I love them. I tell people when I miss them. I show people how I feel and I make it blatantly clear. I'm really thankful that my aunt got one more christmas with her kids and family. I do love her and I will miss her. I miss my other aunt every day. I love her and her absence is felt every day too. I wish I could change things or at least have not taken the moments I had with these people for granted. I just know every time I leave someone I care about they're going to know that I love them.
My aunt has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She weighs less than 90 lbs. She's about three feet tall now. She looks like those starving children on TV. It's so hard seeing your grandmother, then mother start to tear up as your aunt opens up probably her last christmas present. It's just bullshit what people have to go through. I may not agree with everything that my aunt has done or her family has done, but I do love them. Telling her I love you to her face for probably one of the last times is just one of the worst feelings in the world. Seeing her face as she tries to watch her kids have a good christmas and just thinking about how she won't see this anymore. She won't see them anymore.
It's hard enough having my mother's other sister be gone already. I try not to think about it but sometimes its just good to remember. I do miss my other aunt. I feel like we would have gotten along a lot better now being as I'm an adult now. I have a dry sense of humor and innate bitchiness like her. It's so trying on a person when your family is just being cut a part. It's also terrifying when the ones being torn out of your life are your mother's sisters and soon it'll only be your mother left of the original 3 girls. It scares me because I might lose her and I could never handle that. I don't think my dad would be able to either.
I know this is a horrible thing to think about on Christmas but it just really opens your eyes to how short life and all its precious things can be taken away. I'm so sick of taking things for granted or having people around me do that. People just don't get how easily it can all be gone.
I know I can act like a total reject sometimes. I say things that don't make sense and I get passionate or upset easily. I just don't ever want to leave this world with things unsaid. I tell people when I love them. I tell people when I miss them. I show people how I feel and I make it blatantly clear. I'm really thankful that my aunt got one more christmas with her kids and family. I do love her and I will miss her. I miss my other aunt every day. I love her and her absence is felt every day too. I wish I could change things or at least have not taken the moments I had with these people for granted. I just know every time I leave someone I care about they're going to know that I love them.
Sunday, December 18
Things on repeat
So as of late, I'm single.
Woo...
And then I get a lovely note dropped that my BIG ex misses me and wants to "settle down" with me.
Though he says this, we still never talk. I understand he has a crazy busy work schedule, but never ever texting me back or calling is not a way to show you "miss" someone and that you want to create a relationship with them.
That was our problem in the first place. He never told me when he appreciated anything during our almost 4 year relationship. Now, being split for the past year plus some, nothing has changed in that area. He as a person has made so much progress but still doesn't understand how much it hurts me that he doesn't even answer my text messages, and treats me like a joke to his friends.
He can be such a cocky jerk and is honestly everything that I say I don't want. He isn't as tall as I like. He doesn't ever call or text on any kind of schedule. His sense of humor is completely opposite of mine. He makes me mad more than he breathes! He loves pushing my buttons all the time. He dresses like a complete moron...meaning no style whatsoever. He loves sports like football and basketball. I hate football more than anything. He never tells you how he feels unless he's completely alone and feeling lonely. He's in the military so he can get yanked around in any way that they want. He lives 15 hours away by car and 4-5 hours away by plane. It's just completely not ideal.
Everyone tells me I should just stop looking for love in people, and stop talking to assholes like him. It's just so hard because I spent so much of my time growing up with him. I know what he's like on the inside, more than anyone who's going to judge our relationship will ever know. He's giving, he loves really deeply way down deep, he's protective, he can be a real gentleman, he always knows what to say and do when you really need it. He's a good guy some days and others he's just the asshole who gets under my skin.
I really have no idea what to do with him. Sometimes I feel like he could just forget me if he really wanted to, but I honestly could never forget him or not care about him like I do.
Like I said I hate football and for almost 4 years I would lay on the couch and watch Eagles games with him. I would go to High School football games with him all the time...and I still have not a clue whats going on. I fly on planes all by myself even though I'm scared of heights just to see him. I wish he could see how much I love him, how much I want to make him happy, and how much I just want him to understand that how he treats me really affects me.
Knowing him since I was about 15, a freshman in high school, all the way til now is not something I can just throw away like everyone seems to think I can do. I was so close to him that it was like we were married, and I was okay with it! So many people put a bad connotation on being comfortable, but being comfortable with someone so much so that you can talk about any horrible thing and it be alright. Have him go to calling hours just for you and your mom, laying on his chest while he watches Heroes on his laptop and falling asleep with his arm around you- these are not bad things!
Someone who wants to make a life with you, and even when you aren't together still somewhat planning your life around them just in case is insane. Wanting to see him even though you know all the bad things He's done to however many women (when we weren't together) even if they used to be your best friend. I just don't understand why I feel so strongly about someone who's done such crappy things like trying to get you to marry him then using that as an excuse to move out of military dorms ( meaning I would have to go move down to SC from NY when I was only fresh out of high school). It's just craziness to me. What am I doing to myself and does he even have good intentions?
Woo...
And then I get a lovely note dropped that my BIG ex misses me and wants to "settle down" with me.
Though he says this, we still never talk. I understand he has a crazy busy work schedule, but never ever texting me back or calling is not a way to show you "miss" someone and that you want to create a relationship with them.
That was our problem in the first place. He never told me when he appreciated anything during our almost 4 year relationship. Now, being split for the past year plus some, nothing has changed in that area. He as a person has made so much progress but still doesn't understand how much it hurts me that he doesn't even answer my text messages, and treats me like a joke to his friends.
He can be such a cocky jerk and is honestly everything that I say I don't want. He isn't as tall as I like. He doesn't ever call or text on any kind of schedule. His sense of humor is completely opposite of mine. He makes me mad more than he breathes! He loves pushing my buttons all the time. He dresses like a complete moron...meaning no style whatsoever. He loves sports like football and basketball. I hate football more than anything. He never tells you how he feels unless he's completely alone and feeling lonely. He's in the military so he can get yanked around in any way that they want. He lives 15 hours away by car and 4-5 hours away by plane. It's just completely not ideal.
Everyone tells me I should just stop looking for love in people, and stop talking to assholes like him. It's just so hard because I spent so much of my time growing up with him. I know what he's like on the inside, more than anyone who's going to judge our relationship will ever know. He's giving, he loves really deeply way down deep, he's protective, he can be a real gentleman, he always knows what to say and do when you really need it. He's a good guy some days and others he's just the asshole who gets under my skin.
I really have no idea what to do with him. Sometimes I feel like he could just forget me if he really wanted to, but I honestly could never forget him or not care about him like I do.
Like I said I hate football and for almost 4 years I would lay on the couch and watch Eagles games with him. I would go to High School football games with him all the time...and I still have not a clue whats going on. I fly on planes all by myself even though I'm scared of heights just to see him. I wish he could see how much I love him, how much I want to make him happy, and how much I just want him to understand that how he treats me really affects me.
Knowing him since I was about 15, a freshman in high school, all the way til now is not something I can just throw away like everyone seems to think I can do. I was so close to him that it was like we were married, and I was okay with it! So many people put a bad connotation on being comfortable, but being comfortable with someone so much so that you can talk about any horrible thing and it be alright. Have him go to calling hours just for you and your mom, laying on his chest while he watches Heroes on his laptop and falling asleep with his arm around you- these are not bad things!
Someone who wants to make a life with you, and even when you aren't together still somewhat planning your life around them just in case is insane. Wanting to see him even though you know all the bad things He's done to however many women (when we weren't together) even if they used to be your best friend. I just don't understand why I feel so strongly about someone who's done such crappy things like trying to get you to marry him then using that as an excuse to move out of military dorms ( meaning I would have to go move down to SC from NY when I was only fresh out of high school). It's just craziness to me. What am I doing to myself and does he even have good intentions?
Thursday, December 15
People!
The human element is a beautiful thing
It makes the mistakes, but sometimes
those mistakes have more purpose
than we give them credit for
Everything we touch will
forever hold us in it
We make up every little bit
of every little thing
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