Things on repeat

So as of late, I'm single.
Woo...

And then I get a lovely note dropped that my BIG ex misses me and wants to "settle down" with me.
Though he says this, we still never talk. I understand he has a crazy busy work schedule, but never ever texting me back or calling is not a way to show you "miss" someone and that you want to create a relationship with them.

That was our problem in the first place. He never told me when he appreciated anything during our almost 4 year relationship. Now, being split for the past year plus some, nothing has changed in that area. He as a person has made so much progress but still doesn't understand how much it hurts me that he doesn't even answer my text messages, and treats me like a joke to his friends.

He can be such a cocky jerk and is honestly everything that I say I don't want. He isn't as tall as I like. He doesn't ever call or text on any kind of schedule. His sense of humor is completely opposite of mine. He makes me mad more than he breathes! He loves pushing my buttons all the time. He dresses like a complete moron...meaning no style whatsoever. He loves sports like football and basketball. I hate football more than anything. He never tells you how he feels unless he's completely alone and feeling lonely. He's in the military so he can get yanked around in any way that they want. He lives 15 hours away by car and 4-5 hours away by plane. It's just completely not ideal.

Everyone tells me I should just stop looking for love in people, and stop talking to assholes like him. It's just so hard because I spent so much of my time growing up with him. I know what he's like on the inside, more than anyone who's going to judge our relationship will ever know. He's giving, he loves really deeply way down deep, he's protective, he can be a real gentleman, he always knows what to say and do when you really need it. He's a good guy some days and others he's just the asshole who gets under my skin.
I really have no idea what to do with him. Sometimes I feel like he could just forget me if he really wanted to, but I honestly could never forget him or not care about him like I do.

Like I said I hate football and for almost 4 years I would lay on the couch and watch Eagles games with him. I would go to High School football games with him all the time...and I still have not a clue whats going on. I fly on planes all by myself even though I'm scared of heights just to see him. I wish he could see how much I love him, how much I want to make him happy, and how much I just want him to understand that how he treats me really affects me.

Knowing him since I was about 15, a freshman in high school, all the way til now is not something I can just throw away like everyone seems to think I can do. I was so close to him that it was like we were married, and I was okay with it! So many people put a bad connotation on being comfortable, but being comfortable with someone so much so that you can talk about any horrible thing and it be alright. Have him go to calling hours just for you and your mom, laying on his chest while he watches Heroes on his laptop and falling asleep with his arm around you- these are not bad things!

Someone who wants to make a life with you, and even when you aren't together still somewhat planning your life around them just in case is insane. Wanting to see him even though you know all the bad things He's done to however many women (when we weren't together) even if they used to be your best friend. I just don't understand why I feel so strongly about someone who's done such crappy things like trying to get you to marry him then using that as an excuse to move out of military dorms ( meaning I would have to go move down to SC from NY when I was only fresh out of high school). It's just craziness to me. What am I doing to myself and does he even have good intentions?