Tick tick tick....

The past couple days haven't been the greatest in my head.
I guess being home and having nothing to do is affecting me..
Going back to college soon thankfully.

I guess just being alone is what screws with me the most.
Given lots of alone time to think about things makes bad things not seem so bad.
Not saying anything was bad, but they weren't good.

I know I've improved myself a lot in the past month, and I've accepted a lot.
I've forgive a lot of people for a lot of things, including myself because I also did things wrong.
I think one of the biggest things I've found out for myself is the importance of people changing.
Who I was in 2007, is a totally different person than this girl in 2011. I think in mainly good ways.
I've grown up a lot, and I'm finally becoming who I want to be, just who I am.

This whole people change and grow up makes my whole relationship break up deal make more sense.
Going through huge changes like joining the military, leaving high school, and going to college are biggies.
He and I are different people now. Who knows if those people are compatible. I'll probably never know.
A lot of people think I should be mad, or make sure I remember how everything was....but I'm just not like that anymore.
I held grudges for too long, I should have learned my lesson from them then let it go.
I also just took everyone for their word. Which isn't right because people do change their minds and perspectives. Saying things like "I can't risk that again" or "I love you", change.
Now as I come into realizing things I see the good and the bad. But it's hard to get over someone when the good still outweighs the bad. The love still outweighs the hate. I wouldn't even call it hate. Disappointment is more what I feel.
I've definitely had the first love of my life, and all the movies and crap on television are like "You'll get back together...blah blah blah." But thats TV, not how real life works. Maybe I didn't find that guy I'm supposed to get back with yet. Like we'll fall in love, part, then years down the line get together again. Maybe my first love is that. Like Mitch and my Mother say "Don't expect anything." Such a pessimistic statement, but I guess it is true.

Life is like one dark shadow spread over the whole world. The only light comes from the happiness people create with each other. That's why the sun comes out during the day, when we can see those we love.

I just need to find someone I can create happiness with so I can find my way.

I think the next thing I need to learn is that weakness is okay. I always go around saying to myself that I don't want to think about the negatives or dwell in what won't be because it'll jinx me or I'll just make myself upset. But isn't that part of being human? As long as I can deal with what I end up doing to myself, it'll be okay. God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and thats the truth. I'm scarred through this whole thing, but I'm all right. I made it through.

The worst part of this whole ...well my life at the moment...is split into two, I think. Being alone, and not knowing. Being alone is pretty easy to figure out. I just work better and feel better about myself when there is a POI ( person of interest) in my life. Like I spruce myself up real nice regardless if I'm going to see them or not. I work harder so I can get to what I want. But the other half is a little harder to deal with. Being alone is just like a tooth ache, always there and aching but you can deal. But not know, that drives me insane and keeps me up at night. Just not knowing how he feels, or if he thinks about me or whatever my brain might be going on about is just ...stupid. It's hard to deal with thinking that someone doesn't give a damn about you after all you've been through together and...still love. I hate admitting the second hurt because well it hurts and is a weakness that someone could use to take advantage of you with.

Some people, like Mitch, are stronger than I am when it comes to the second half. He wants to find out, whereas I couldn't bear to deal with any answer that comes from it. I'm stuck in limbo and just want something to happen in my life so I can stop walking on eggshells. Something needs to release this pressure. I don't want to get hurt but even if I get told "I don't care about you anymore and I don't want to think about anything to do with you anymore" I'll be fine so then I can stop wondering. If its the other way then...I'm still stuck in the same boat. I just want to move on. Being alone isn't for me. I work fine, and I get through the day but at the end of the day I sleep alone with my thoughts that just don't stop. I want someone to think about, who I know is thinking about me.

Come find me, please Man I haven't met yet.
There's always tomorrow.