Don't you want me?

Sometimes you reach a point in your life where you feel like you're suffocating inside a warm, woven scarf.

I'm there right now.
It's a lonely place.

You feel like you're doing the doggy paddle in water thats not frozen, but still too cold to feel comfortable.
There's no shoreline, just trees in the distance all around you.
Its disorienting.

I'm disoriented.
I'm always so in control.
Lately, not at all.

I can't work, can't sleep.
You just feel so useless.
Unwanted.

I'm looking for some competency.
Some support, and someone who will be there.
Not a commitment, just be there.
I'm not looking for love, I'm looking for comfort.

Funny how that was a bad thing a year ago.
I'm just a girl who has no clue what she's doing.
I've tried and tried to figure it out, and gain higher knowledge.
Its just never going to work out.

I guess relationships aren't my thing.
Next I'll be trying Mom like every other girl my age.
Then I guess those little ones can't get away.

I can never seem to find what I want.
Or it doesn't want me.
Either way, I get screwed.

I'm not trying to be the weepy girl,
I get that life happens, and people have their own shit to do.
So I get to keep pining and feeling like a stupid child.

I wish I didn't have feelings, no strings attached
No heart. No mind.
They seem to get me into trouble.
I get me in trouble.
All the time.

I'm tired of being made a fool.
I do it, and everyone around me does it.
I just try so hard to keep it under control.

I guess thats where this inner chaos came from.
Sanity is just a front. Chaos is the real innards.

I hate feeling hopeless and depressed.
Its not who I am at all.
I like being happy, and comfortable.
Hope this break will give me some solace.