And I'm doing just fine.

So my whole christmas happiness fell through.
I'm fine with it though.
I've come to terms with a lot and have grown so much stronger in the past month or so.
I can really deal with blows that would have otherwise killed me before.
So now I have no "interests" which is boring but I'm alright single.
Just being home with nothing to do is irritating.
I swear my itunes library has quadrupled in size because of how bored I've been.
As well as chatting Mitch's ear off everyday...thats all I do other than sketch, read, and watch stuff on tv.
I cant wait to get back to college and start my life up again. Winter is no good for me. I'm a fair weather girl.

So as to what I've learned heres a little taste:
I trust far too easily. I give up something so important as trust so easily and thats just foolish. I've learned to not take every word someone says to me as the upmost truth. It's too hard for people to be direct and honest. I want to know why its like that now. If people want the truth from me all they have to do is ask.

Ive also learned that its okay to miss things you did with people. Memories should be a safety net, not a smothering pillow. I've had some beautiful, and amazing things happen to me in the past few years and now I appreciate them and the people I was with during these times.

I think I'm actually growing up. I'm learning to forgive, and not hold onto the past. People make mistakes and not everyone is the good person I believe them to be. But some people are not just the bad things I remember. I hate no one, and I'm not mad at anyone. I've learned to not try and control everything in my life. I have no control over what man is in my life, so I shouldn't worry about it right now. School will be starting soon and I need to concentrate on that, its something I can control.

I'm just so damn proud of myself for finally taking the high road when it comes to love and life. Yes, I'm happier when I'm with someone, but being by myself isn't so horrible. Hey you save on buying presents and cards. Even if I do miss that.

It seems like the last few days I've been looking back on my longest relationship and everything we did together and I do miss those things, and how comfortable we were together. I realized some bad things did happen during that time, but a lot of amazing things did to. That's just how I know he was my first love, and I'll always care. Thinking about driving around in the middle of the winter to his friends house so they could play on the wii and I fell asleep on the couch, or taking the old crappy jug pt road to get places faster and just so much else. It was good. But we both just kind of changed without thinking about the other's feelings and thats where we got in trouble. I don't regret anything I did during that relationship, or really anything up til now but I just hope that someday I can talk to him again. No meanings behind talking or anything, but just talk because then I'll know that it was real and that I'm finally whole again.

I know I'm close to whole again, but some things still do get to me. Being lonely is just kind of infectious at the moment because there isn't a ton of people around right now, but once college starts again I'll be busy and finally alright.

See right now I honestly don't know what I want. I don't want to count anyone out, friend or interest or otherwise, but its hard knowing where to stand when you only know one side of your situation. All I do know is I want anyone that I've ever talked to or loved to be happy. No matter what I wish them well. But I also hope that I find some kind of happiness in someone else because I am a lover. I love taking care of someone, or at least being able to care about someone. But I've also learned not to settle. I give everything when I care about someone, they can count on me like no other. And I deserve that too. A guy who will answer me, or even just talk to me first. That will call, text, and be thinking about me as much as I think about them. I want nothing to be forced. It should all be a willing love, no captured audience crap. I just want to be able to care again. I want to be able to trust again. I want to know that that other person wont stray, wont play games, wont keep things to himself that bother him. I want to be told when things bother him, because I'll try to fix it or at least tell him where I'm coming from. "Open a line of communication" as Mitch calls it.

I just know with what I've learned, and how I've grown that I am worth waiting for, fighting for, loving, and thinking about. Because I do all those things willingly or I will.
There is never a time where fighting for the one you love ceases to be needed. It's not even like you're fighting a foe, it just proving you still care when times get tough. Saying " I know things seem bad, and aren't going to get better, but I still love you and want to work things out." It can take time I understand that, but just knowing that you have that support is just...its amazing. I still love one person, and I always will, but sometimes you need to let things go even though it might be the hardest decision in you life. If its meant to be, then by all means it will happen. You just have to have faith. Getting over someone like that is like going through rehab.

I've definitely gone through hell the past month or so but I think withdrawal is finally starting to wear off. Like I said, I miss things and I forgive him and myself for the bad things that happened. I guess thats all I really can do, because the rest is in fates hands.

As I always say,
there's always tomorrow <3
wish me luck.