Going through

Going through pulitzer prize winners for a class I'm in I stumbled upon Ian Fisher.
He joined the army sometime in 2007 I believe.
His father said "He didn't join for the money. He joined for God and his country."

I think thats a noble thing.
That story didn't really end the way you would expect but eye opening none the less.

I realized, while thinking deeper into this quote...why do I love someone?
Why do I, I being whoever not just myself, love someone?
Is it because we know we're supposed to love someone?
Is it because we're weak if we're not with someone?

I don't know for sure. I just know, for myself, that I can function independently but I choose to connect to someone. I feel completed when I have that one person that I can care about wholly, not including family because this is a different type of love, but I can put so much in, and never expect anything back but feel confirmed almost, of justified, when I'm loved back.

It's a feeling of completeness and I want that in my life. Life is colder, bleaker, bitter even without a loved one.
It's almost like a sense of torture. You go mad. Insanity and love loss go hand in hand. As well as love and sanity. Even the worst of times aren't as bad but its all about your mental capacity. (Excluded abuse or anything like that.)

I miss feeling complete, and I want to find someone to complete me. I don't know who, or when, or how.

I just know that feeling incomplete doesn't help much in a creative life. I have support from friends & family. And its strong support. But I want a man, a strong man. I'm just not into sensitive, weak boys. Having dated someone in the military, as well as being a fighter his whole life, I'm just accustomed to it. I want to have a hard boy, who's only soft for me.

I guess I'll learn with the time I have. I want to give my love away. But to only those who deserve it.

I also hope that I'm not damaged goods. That I can love someone again and not just be a cold person, with small bursts of life. I want ...I say that too much. Want want want. I need a steady, strong, on his way in the world, sure of himself for the most part man who can be my rock. I don't need all the superduper deep insightful stuff. I need someone who understands me and...idk.

 I know what I want. I guess thats as good a start as any.
There's always tomorrow.